and Glaswegian Scripts for Plays.
A collection of short
humour scripts for your amusement . . .
The CockCam Doctor. by Stuart Macfarlane
F/X: NOISE OF BUSY HOSPITAL RECEPTION.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Hello, Iím here for my 2 oíclock appointment (LOWERS VOICE) to have my thingy checked.
RECEPTIONIST #1: (ABRUPTLY) Name?
MRS WELLBYFECK: Agnes . . . Agnes Wellbyfeck
RECEPTIONIST #1: (LOUD AND DISAPPROVINGLY) Thatís another patient for the CockCam Doctor.
RECEPTIONIST #2: (SNEERING) I donít know how he fits them all in.
F/X: SOUND OF RECEPTIONISTS SNIGGERING.
RECEPTIONIST #1: Right Mrs Wellbyfeck go to waiting room one-hundred-and- twenty-seven Ė straight along the corridor.
F/X: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS ECHOING THROUGH HOSPITAL CORRIDORS.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Is this queue for . . . for . . . the whatsit?
PATIENT #1: The CockCam Doctor?
MRS WELLBYFECK: Ahaaa . . . yes . . . I think thatís what they called him.
PATIENT #1: Well, youíre in the right place.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Are you . . . uhh . . . all waiting?
PATIENT #1: Weíre the standby patients.
MRS WELLBYFECK: The what?
PATIENT #1: Weíre on standby. If someone doesnít turn up one of us gets the appointment.
PATIENT #2: You got an appointment?
MRS WELLBYFECK: Me? . . . Yes . . . 2 oíclock.
PATIENT #2: Oooh, you lucky bastard.
PATIENT #1: Iíve been standing here for 6 days hoping to see him.
PATIENT #2: Yeah itís not fair is it?
F/X: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING.
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Mrs Wellbyfeck please.
F/X: SOUND OF WALKING THEN DOOR CLOSING.
COCKCAM DOCTOR: (PANTING) Do take a seat.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh, youíre looking ever so tired. Are you alright?
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Yes, yes, itís just so hectic here. Youíre my 18th patient today.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Ooooh . . . thatís a shame.
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Right Mrs Wellbyfeck we best get started, please take off all your clothes and lie down on the bed.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Okay doctor.
F/X: SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING AND THEN BEDSPRINGS.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh doctor . . . why are you getting undressed?
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Didnít reception explain the new procedure for your endoscopy?
MRS WELLBYFECK: No, they didnít say nothing.
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Dear, dear. Useless bunch. Well let me tell you all about it. What Iím going to do is to give your inners a good old
examination with the CockCam.
MRS WELLBYFECK: CockCam? Whatís a CockCam?
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Itís an amazing piece of micro-technology. The CockCam is tiny camera and has been transplanted onto the end of my penis. Have a look, you can barely see it.
MRS WELLBYFECK: (EMBARASSED) Oooooo! That is big . . . I mean small.
(PAUSE) So what do you do with it?
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Well I put it inside you and take a jolly good look around. Itís completely painless and in fact most of my patients quite like it.
MRS WELLBYFECK: But why does it have to be on your . . . your thingy? Why not use the normal type of camera?
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Far too expensive. Cut backs you know. Hospitals need to save as much money as they can.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh. Right.
COCKCAM DOCTOR: So letís get on with it. Lie back and get comfortable. Then we can begin.
F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN.
MRS WELLBYFECK: Ohhh . . . ohhhhh . . . oooohhhhhhh.
F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN ĖMORE FRANTICALLY.
MRS WELLBYFECK & COCKCAM DOCTOR: Ohhh . . . ahhh . . . ohhhhh . . . ooooooohhhhhhh . . ooh . . . aah . . . ooh (AT SCREEMING PITCH)
COCKCAM DOCTOR: There, that wasnít so bad was it?
MRS WELLBYFECK: (PANTING) No, it was quite pleasant actually . . . (PAUSE)
. . . but tell me something, why is it cheaper using the CockCam.
COCKCAM DOCTOR: Well with the traditional method the staffing costs were horrendous but my way is really cheap . . . you see . . . I do it all for free.