Yer Hard Edged Dictionary o' Glaswegian and Scottish words.

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Glaswegian Words

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Top 10 Scottish Words


Rabbie Burns Poems

Stuart McLean Poems

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Top 100 Scottish Songs

Top 100 Scottish Rhymes

Funny Scottish Scripts


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Glasgow Race for Life

Glasgow Race for Life 09

 

Scottish & Scotland


Funny Books by thon Scottish guy Stuart McLean - available UK, Canada, USA and ither countries.

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No' Rabbie Burns - funny Scottish Poems

Rabbie Burns Scottish Poet Books

Why Did the Haggis Cross the Road? - hilarious Scottish jokes.

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A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two Up Your Kilt - witty Scottish proverbs.

A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two Up Your Kilt

Ned Speak

Learn  the lingo of the Scottish Ned - and you will love them even more.

glasgow slang words

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Funny Scottish and Glaswegian Scripts for Plays.

A collection of short humour scripts for your amusement . . .

The CockCam Doctor. by Stuart Macfarlane

F/X: NOISE OF BUSY HOSPITAL RECEPTION.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Hello, Iím here for my 2 oíclock appointment (LOWERS VOICE) to have my thingy checked.

RECEPTIONIST #1: (ABRUPTLY) Name?

MRS WELLBYFECK: Agnes . . . Agnes Wellbyfeck

RECEPTIONIST #1: (LOUD AND DISAPPROVINGLY) Thatís another patient for the CockCam Doctor.

RECEPTIONIST #2: (SNEERING) I donít know how he fits them all in.


F/X: SOUND OF RECEPTIONISTS SNIGGERING.


RECEPTIONIST #1: Right Mrs Wellbyfeck go to waiting room one-hundred-and- twenty-seven Ė straight along the corridor.


F/X: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS ECHOING THROUGH HOSPITAL CORRIDORS.


MRS WELLBYFECK: Is this queue for . . . for . . . the whatsit?

PATIENT #1: The CockCam Doctor?

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ahaaa . . . yes . . . I think thatís what they called him.

PATIENT #1: Well, youíre in the right place.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Are you . . . uhh . . . all waiting?

PATIENT #1: Weíre the standby patients.

MRS WELLBYFECK: The what?

PATIENT #1: Weíre on standby. If someone doesnít turn up one of us gets the appointment.

PATIENT #2: You got an appointment?

MRS WELLBYFECK: Me? . . . Yes . . . 2 oíclock.

PATIENT #2: Oooh, you lucky bastard.

PATIENT #1: Iíve been standing here for 6 days hoping to see him.

PATIENT #2: Yeah itís not fair is it?


F/X: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING.


COCKCAM DOCTOR: Mrs Wellbyfeck please.


F/X: SOUND OF WALKING THEN DOOR CLOSING.


COCKCAM DOCTOR: (PANTING) Do take a seat.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh, youíre looking ever so tired. Are you alright?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Yes, yes, itís just so hectic here. Youíre my 18th patient today.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ooooh . . . thatís a shame.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Right Mrs Wellbyfeck we best get started, please take off all your clothes and lie down on the bed.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Okay doctor.


F/X: SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING AND THEN BEDSPRINGS.



MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh doctor . . . why are you getting undressed?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Didnít reception explain the new procedure for your endoscopy?

MRS WELLBYFECK: No, they didnít say nothing.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Dear, dear. Useless bunch. Well let me tell you all about it. What Iím going to do is to give your inners a good old

examination with the CockCam.



MRS WELLBYFECK: CockCam? Whatís a CockCam?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Itís an amazing piece of micro-technology. The CockCam is tiny camera and has been transplanted onto the end of my penis. Have a look, you can barely see it.

MRS WELLBYFECK: (EMBARASSED) Oooooo! That is big . . . I mean small.
(PAUSE) So what do you do with it?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Well I put it inside you and take a jolly good look around. Itís completely painless and in fact most of my patients quite like it.

MRS WELLBYFECK: But why does it have to be on your . . . your thingy? Why not use the normal type of camera?

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Far too expensive. Cut backs you know. Hospitals need to save as much money as they can.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Oh. Right.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: So letís get on with it. Lie back and get comfortable. Then we can begin.


F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN.

MRS WELLBYFECK: Ohhh . . . ohhhhh . . . oooohhhhhhh.


F/X: SOUND OF BEDSPRINGS GOING UP AND DOWN ĖMORE FRANTICALLY.


MRS WELLBYFECK & COCKCAM DOCTOR: Ohhh . . . ahhh . . . ohhhhh . . . ooooooohhhhhhh . . ooh . . . aah . . . ooh (AT SCREEMING PITCH)

ooohhhhhhhhhh!!!

COCKCAM DOCTOR: There, that wasnít so bad was it?

MRS WELLBYFECK: (PANTING) No, it was quite pleasant actually . . . (PAUSE)

. . . but tell me something, why is it cheaper using the CockCam.

COCKCAM DOCTOR: Well with the traditional method the staffing costs were horrendous but my way is really cheap . . . you see . . . I do it all for free.


END


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NOTE: The contents of this site are copyright Stuart McLean / Stuart Macfarlane and should not be used in any way without permission. Many of the images on the site have been submitted by visitors - we believe these to be copyright free - however, if you own copyright to any, please let us know and they will be removed or suitable attribution included.

If you spot any errors or have other Glaswegian, Scottish or Doric works you would like added to our list please drop us an email.

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