Used as a general insult.

Typical Glaswegian Bachles

You are talking nonsense you unpleasant person.

Bad Fire

Hell

Another way of scaring weans into doing things they don't want to do.

"If ye don't eat yer haggis ye'll go tae the Bad Fire."

Next time we bring a jar.

Balloons are always big - there are no medium or small sizes used when making balloons.

I feel somewhat disconcerted that you seem to be having an intimate relationship with the girl of my dreams and as a result I feel obliged to hit you over the head with a smashed bottle.

I do not know anything about art or indeed about anything at all.

Banjoed
discordant verb
Should you meet a Ned on the high street who asks if you would like to be ‘banjoed’ do not be fooled into thinking he wishes to serenade you with a musical instrument. The phrase is merely a courtesy warning that you will be shortly be rushing to A&E.
[From Ned Speak by Stuart McLean]

Cat banjoes dog

Barlinnie Prison - home sweet home to many Glaswegians

Website The Barras

Jock the Poet has been banned from going into the Barroland Market for selling illegal copies of his poems.

Rhyme: Coulter's Candy (Ally Bally Bee)

Ally, Bally, Ally Bally Bee
Sitting on your mammy's knee
Greetin' for a wee baw-bee
To buy some Coulter's Candy

Poor wee Jeannie's looking awful thin
A rickle of bones covered over with skin
Now she's getting a wee double chin
From sucking Coulter's Candy

Here's old Coulter coming round
With a basket on his crown
So here's a penny, now you run down
And buy some Coulter's Candy

Ally, Bally, Ally, Bally Bee
When you grow up you'll go to sea
Making pennies for your daddy and me
To buy some Coulter's Candy

A Bawbee

A bawhead in Sauchiehall Street

I am slightly irritated by you and if I were not moroculously drunk I would take offensive action.

I have just found a wallet on a bus - gosh, that was rather a pleasurable and unexpected event to have occurred. I shall use the money to buy 50 bottles of the finest Buckfast Tonic Wine.

I've been wi' a couple o' cronies,
One or two pals o' my ain;
We went in a hotel, and we did very well,
And then we came out once again;
Then we went into anither,
And that is the reason I'm fu';
We had six deoch-an-doruses, then sang a chorus,
Just listen, I'll sing it to you:

Chorus
I belong to Glasgow,
Dear old Glasgow town;
But what's the matter wi' Glasgow,
For it's goin' roun' and roun'!
I'm only a common old working chap,
As anyone here can see,
But when I get a couple o' drinks on a Saturday,
Glasgow belongs to me!

There's nothing in keeping your money,
And saving a shilling or two;
If you've nothing to spend, then you've nothing to lend,
Why that's all the better for you!
There no harm in taking a drappie,
It ends all your trouble and strife;
It gives ye the feeling that when you get home,
You don't give a hang for the wife!
 

Just to make things confusing, not all Scottish mountains are prefixed Ben. Buachaille Etive Mor, in Glencoe, is probably the most beautiful mountain.

Ben Nevis

'Where's ma glasses hen?'

'Oh you stupid old coot have you lost them again - they are probably in the bedroom where you usually leave them.'

Police van at Charing Cross Station Glasgow

The Birks of Aberfeldy in Winter

As Winter weeps and sighs her tears,
O’er bank and branch and painted tree,
Come let us stroll neath sapphire skies,
In the Birks of Aberfeldy.

Through white and bare the trees do show,
Tho’ Winter casts her veil of snow,
A glimpse of gold no man could grow,
In the Birks of Aberfeldy.

The robin sings to the river’s tune,
The gushing waters tumbling doon,
As hands entwined we two shall spoon,
In the Birks of Aberfeldy.

Earth’s rocky climb like towers high,
Yawning, stretching to the sky,
Enwrap, enfold us, you and I,
In the Birks of Aberfeldy.

Sparkling diamonds melt together,
Their time is short, e’er remember,
Forever we shall love and walk,
In the Birks of Aberfeldy.

Waterfall - Birks of Aberfeldy
 

(So drunk that, by the time you have sobered up, you have forgotten that you were even at the pub)

Drunk girl in Glasgow City Centre

Carrier pigeons and emails are great ways of spreading malicious gossip.
[From A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two Up the Kilt]

It's Friday and we have been paid - let's go to the pub and stay there until we have wasted all our hard earned money.

The wine was first produced in the 1890s by the Benedictine monks at Buckfast Abbey using a recipe brought over from France, as indeed is the wine base used today.

The wine was originally sold in small quantities by the Abbey itself, as a medicine with the slogan "Three small glasses a day, for good health and lively blood". In 1927 the Abbey lost its licence to sell wine, as a result of which the Abbot signed a deal with wine merchants to distribute the wine on the Abbey's behalf. At the same time, the recipe was changed in order for the wine to appeal to a wider customer base, resulting in increased sales. The modern bottle carries a notice that it does not in fact have tonic properties of the type claimed in the former slogan.

In recent times, Buckfast has achieved popularity in working class and bohemian communities in certain parts of the United Kingdom and Ireland. Buckfast is also particularly popular among the Scottish ned culture and Irish students.Buckfast sold in the Republic of Ireland has a slightly lower alcoholic strength, arrives in a darker bottle, and lacks the vanillin flavouring of the British version. Buckfast sold in Northern Ireland is the same as that in the rest of the UK. The drink has also entered the popular culture lexicon in Scotland leading to it being given a number of nicknames, including "Wreck the Hoose Juice", "Commotion Lotion", "Mrs. Brown", "Bucky", "Lurgan Champagne", "Yak", "Buckshweng", "Devil's Water", "Tonic", "Toni- C", "Spice Weasel's Blood" and "Ton-Ton".     [from Wikipedia]

Hurry up and get to bed, East Enders starts in a few minutes.

Now I like a man that is a man; a man that's straight and fair.
The kind of man that will and can, in all things do his share.
Och, I like a man a jolly man, the kind of man, you know,
The chap that slaps your back and says, "Jock, just before ye go..."

Chorus

A horse called brose - nothing to do with porridge but a much nicer picture.

I bought my latest girlfriend a fish supper - but she still refuses to have sex  with me - am I losing my touch?

Is that your burd?
Naw - that's ma maw ya eejit.

Burds - Glasgow Girls in Buchanan Street

I got tae be thinking the other night,
A thought that filled me wae great delight,
Whit if one day I’m dead famous,
Just like thon Irish poet Shamus.

Whit if every year they celebrate,
Hae a toast tae me and stay up late,
Whit if they ca’ this a Burns’ Supper?
I wonder if this wid be just like a fish supper.
[From No' Rabbie Burns by Stuart McLean]

'Fancy a shag?'